"Expecting marriage after the first date is beyond stupid. Expecting love from a person who is not ready, even if your friendship is strong, is more than selfish. Do not give with expectation- because that is not actually giving."
I've been debating on whether I actually wanted to write this one or not. As a matter of fact, I've been procrastinating for the last two and a half hours, looking for a new wallet, browsing the interwebs for funny videos. The truth is that the topic of love, especially that of which takes place within a romantic relationship, has always scared me- and it still does now, more than ever. Growing up with two parents that never showed love to each other, and being deprived of any exposure to a healthy and intimate long term relationship that I could use for as an ideal frame of reference, my last (which was also my first) relationship was... messy, to say the least. But I was 16, young, stupid, and naive. And now I'm 17, a little less young, but still stupid and naive. You know how this website/blog is called Note2Self? Well, this article will be just that: a warning to my future self, a reminder of what (not) to do- this one is going to get personal. Feel free to take some notes 4 yourself if you'd like. I am know I'll read this article one day in the future and cringe real bad, but fuck it, I'm going to write it anyway. Here are some things you should consder, before you fall in love again.
Planning
Don't plan a future with them, without mastering the present first- lower your goddamn expectations. Love, especially when it is fuelled by young passion, has the tendency to make you, well, a fucking idiot. I grew up watching lots of movies and TV shows, it's how I learnt English, and it's also where I first saw the idea of romantic relationships take place. Growing up, the only romantic partners that I could refer to were fictional- take Peter Parker and Mary Jane from the Raimi trilgoy, or Lily and Marshal from 'How I met your mother' or Andy and April from Parks and Rec. I hadn't realised it until recently, but being exposed to all of these relationships had a huge effect on what I expected from the idea of 'love' in young adulthood. But the thing with life is that it's really fucking complicated, and no TV show, no matter how many seasons it has, can truly explain how stupid love can make you.
Give without Expectation
One of the symptoms of being love sick is setting high expectations. I've done it over and over again in all aspects of my life, which often leaves me dissapointed and, in rare cases, a little bit depressed. Expecting marriage after the first date is beyond stupid. Expecting love from a person who is not ready, even if your friendship is strong, is selfish. Do not give with expectation- because that is not actually giving. Do not craft white lies or create shallow compliments to try to convince a partner to stay, tell them the truth, whether it feels good or bad, and the outcome will reveal it's beauty over time. Be careful about fantasizing a future, love is blindingly beautiful, but it is still blinding, which means you must keep your eyes open and expectations reasonable. Live in the present moment, perfect the daily interactions, do what must be done, and the future will sort itself out. Marriage is a result of endless battles, emotional challenges, and a sea of difficulties regarding the communication between two complex individiuals. What matters most is that after each fight, you two become closer, rather than growing apart. Lower your expectations, and work deligently to ensure that you are acting with the intention of being truthful to your partner, and loving them selflessly, even if that might mean letting them go one day.
Know the Risk
If you're looking for marriage like I am, then you'll know that the odds are stacked against you. I'm sure that when I go to Uni, I'll eventually develop a crush on someone sooner or later. And, on the off chance that I they feel the same, and a friendship does develop, there is another hurdle that must be overcome- being okay with uncertainty. I was talking to my mate about this idea just before I wrote this article. I talked about how, just before I got into my first relationship, I told her how confident I was that our friendship would be able to survive anything, even a failed romance. Oh how wrong I was. That breakup still stings. It always will. But that's just the nature of relationships. It's the risk that you take, when you are that young and inexperienced. I was unaware of how much effort and hardwork that was needed to form a functional and healthy long term relationship.
In short, I was lying. to her, without even knowing it. I was delusional, and thought I knew the risk, but I just said those things because, deep down, I was lonely- like a lot of us are. There seems to be a constant pressure, especially for younger people, to have a partner, so that they can feel less alone during this time of transformation into adult hood. Growing up alone, without love, is scary. Being aware of your flaws, and having your life broadcasted onto social media for everyone to see is both a gift, and a curse. And having someone who tells you they love you gives us comfort. For some people, it gives their life more meaning- which is great- but don't do what I did. Don't rely on love, even if it's from your best friend, to make your life feel as though it's worth living. If you can wake up in the morning, with full knowledge that you are doing your best to make the world a better place, to fulfil your purpose, and you are able to sleep without that voice in your head reminding you of your mistakes and flaws- maybe then is when you'll know you're ready.
Leap of Faith
It took me 3 hours to decide on what wallet I wanted to buy. I scrolled through hundreds of different options, clicking away at my screen, measuring the differences in costs and shipping times, doing a cost/benefit analysis on each brand and type of wallet. I'm that person. I don't like doing things without thinking the outcome through- I don't like taking a leap of faith without knowing what to expect on the other side. But the thing with love, is that it's unpredictable. Some people marry their highschool sweathearts. Others meet their true love after a terrible divorce. Unfortunately, some never find love at all. There will always be risks in anything in life. Pain is always lurking around the corner, a lot of it is unavoidable. But taking a leap of faith when you are confident that you are ready, and falling in love, is the best risk you can take. Yes you've been hurt before, as though you had to walk through hell and back to feel alive again, but that's the beauty of new love; it can heal the wounds that you were unable to work on, that you were not even aware of. Falling in love, even when you fear the likely outcome of heartbreak and tragedy, is the most courageous thing you can do. Just make sure that you're harness is strapped properly, so that if you do fall a little too hard, you have the tools needed to save yourself from hitting rock bottom. And even if you do hit rock bottom, there will always be a way back up.
Let me leave you with this: a truly healthy relationship between two individuals should be like the intertwining of rope. By spiralling two pieces together, you form one stronger bond. Always remember to ask yourself, if the person you love is helping you become more than who you are, and that you are trying to do the same for them.
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