My darling America,
Hard to believe 247 years have passed since you garnered the courage to leave England and George III, who considered you a petulant child and not a bright and adoring woman.
And yet, George may have had a point in your needing some guidance and direction. You talk a good game, but at times your actions leave much to be desired.
You spend billions on military preparedness, yet you gave up and ran away from the messes you made in Iraq, Afghanistan, and Vietnam. And we're still paying for the terrible job you did cleaning up after the Civil War.
You lead the world in material conditions, but fare poorly on quality-of-life indicators, particularly work-life balance and homicide rates.
You spend 18.3% of your gross domestic product on healthcare. Compared to 10 other high-income countries, you spend twice as much as the others and they all outperform you. Politicians of both parties tried for years to privatize healthcare, but the American Medical Association assured you that would be a bad idea. You listened, they're wealthy, and your children have to file bankruptcy after a catastrophic illness.
Seven countries, including Australia, Canada, France, and Uruguay, warn their residents to be on guard while visiting you because of hate crimes and violence.
And what's up with selling all your agricultural property to other countries? We've heard about China owning almost 400K acres, but China is number 18 on the list. Other countries that own agricultural property in the US include Canada, the Netherlands, Germany, Italy, and Luxembourg. Funny how that isn't mentioned while food prices are sky-high.
You may think you're all that, but third world countries see you as a bully shoving your religious and patriotic propaganda down their throats.
European and Asian countries who've signed protection agreements with you know it depends on who's sitting in your Oval Office whether or not you'd actually comply. No one expected Trump would, but some also wonder about Biden based on our current political climate.
Ah, my dear, at least your people have short attention spans and don't remember any of these things. The ones that do remember are dismissed as elitists. Besides, none are more toxically positive than Americans! This is God's chosen land, after all.
So enjoy your cookouts, your fireworks, and the excessive heat and poor air quality caused by climate change that you refuse to do anything about. It's your day to shine, and no one puts on a show quite like you do!
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