Just to say in case anyone is worried about me reading this poem that I am absolutely fine. This poem is personal but it is about a very low experience I had a few years ago so I am completely fine. Sending you all the best vibes ever and look after your mental health. It is better than gold to keep it healthy so I wish you all reading this the best with everything. 🙂

Photo by Dan Meyers on Unsplash

Hands around my throat. No matter how hard my mind fights I can't get them to release. They push and squeeze tighter. My mind is fighting with itself.

Do it. There is nothing to live for.

Don't do it. Just don't.

I can't get my hands to stop. It is like they have a mind of their own.

I am opinionated. Maybe I'm harsh on people. People say it about people like me.

I am opinionated because I care.

My hands aren't working with the latter side. They are working with the former side. Images flash through my head of inequality I and other people face.

Do I live in a world and pass that over? Can I live in a world where I pass over people insulting me and saying to be compassionate I should let it go? Is that compassion? Have I got it wrong? Is that what compassionate people do?

Can I live in this world and be myself? Am I strong enough to do that?

Hands not moving. Feeling powerless. Feeling more powerless than I ever have before.

I can't do this to my family.

I am so scared. I can't stop this.

I am a bad person. Can all those people who say the way I am is bad and negative be wrong?

Hands not moving. Tears coming from my eyes. Fear and numbness filling my body.

I am bad. I am bad. I am bad.

Hands tightening on my throat. Can't stop. Must stop. Can't stop. Must stop. At the lowest point ever in my life. I let those negative words cement themselves in the back on my mind. Let them fester and here we were.

I am bad. I am bad. I am bad. Everything they say is true.

Hands won't move. Hands stay tight. I muster all the strength within me and I force one hand away from my throat. I bang the sofa with that hand.

No!

It seems to break the spell somewhat. My mind is not clear but it is clearer.

I have faced a lot in my life and I have got through. I will not be defeated by this.

I gently bring my other hand down from my throat. The weight of what I nearly done starting to hit now that I can somewhat think of anything other than what consumed my mind before. Tears on my face. My body trembling but filling with relief.

I am good and I am strong. I have a life which is important and a purpose which is good. I have much to offer this world and I want to help and support in whatever way I can.

Anger filled my body.

All those people made me feel like there was something wrong with me when there isn't. When there never was. How many people have not been as lucky as me? How much blood have they on their hands?

Body, especially legs, still shaky I made my way to my computer and typed out my pain and my anger. Something I would never publish but one of the most important pieces of writing I ever did. The writing calmed me and my mind, though still naturally affected, had changed.

I will stay in this world and I will fight for everything I am and everyone and everything I believe in. Maybe being openly opinionated outside of writing will take time but this is a big step. I will never no matter what ever let myself feel guilt about things I shouldn't feel guilt about. I am a good person and I will always bring that goodness to the world.

I sit back on the sofa, light up a cigarette, get myself as together as can be.

These people are wrong. I don't hate them. I don't hate anyone. I think they know that. But I do hate how they make other people's lives harder for no reason. I can't pass that over. Especially not after tonight when I know just how badly it can affect someone.

The pulls on the cigarette are calming my nerves and my mind is clearing.

I should never have been worried about being compassionate. I should never have worried about not being strong enough. I am and have always been those things.

I can be kind, compassionate, caring, passionate, strong and opinionated all in the one person. They don't have be separate. I don't have to choose.

I finish my cigarette and breathe in and out.

Every day now is a bonus and I am going to make those days count.

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